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''"Fear everywhere, there were so many spies, there was so much suspicion. I couldn't trust anybody. It was the first war, it was the worst war."''
GET GOOD!
'''The War of Paranoia '''also known as the '''Endless War''' '''or the First War''' was a conflict fought primarily between Imperia and the Bacseyian Confederacy. It is regarded as the first war in military history, and the rules of combat and warfare (or lack thereof) originate from the rules of engagement established by both sides during the war.
BACSEYIANS WON FAGGOT, BACSEY MASTER RACE
{{infobox
HEIL, HEIL, HEIL!
| BackColor =
| BoxTitle = ''War of Paranoia''
| image = File:War of Paranoia Illustration.png
| imagewidth = 400px
| caption = "The Eternal Duel"
| Row1Title = Participants
| Row1Info = Bacseyian Confederation, Kingdom of Imperia
| Row2Title = Date
| Row2Info = 2011
| Row3Title = Location
| Row3Info = Belle Island
}}
Conflicts between ex-Imperians and Bacseyians still occur (see Imperian-Bacseyian Relations).
HERES UR PASTA NOW:
==Causes==
Hey, /b/. Remember me? The guy from yesterday with the loli /b/tard cousin? Yeah. I have a story for you. I had to improvise a lot on the dialogue, (You wouldn't have remembered most of it either.) and I threw in a bit of dramatizations for /b/'s benefit, but it's mostly true.
Harau Bacsey and his followers felt betrayed by King Auel of Imperia for the events that had transpired in the founding of Imperia. The Bacseyians had been overthrown in a coup by the Royal Guard and the Royal Army, led by Captain Auel. Many felt that it was their right to rule Imperia.
The day went off as planned. My mom and aunt were headed to the stores, with me and the loli (name withheld) left alone. I wasn't expecting much to change, just that I'd have someone that actually understands it when I use memes in speech. But something was wrong. She was acting shy and nervous, not bouncy and playful like usual. I instantly thought "OH FUCK SHE READ THE THREAD," but I dismissed it on the counts that her mom is strict and she wouldn't risk jacking her mom's laptop to browse /b/. Either way, I was stuck with her for a few hours and I figured I'd get to the bottom of it eventually.
Harau Bacsey demanded that he be admitted to join Imperia as it's second in command and threatened war in 24 hours if the promise was not fulfilled.
"So, what do you wanna do?" I asked, as usual. "Did you eat? Any movies you'd like?" "Yeah, I ate. And I already watched all the good movies," she replied. "Any games, then?" "...Not really." "Boy, you're lots of fun today. What's wrong?" "...Nothing." "C'mon, I know you, something's wrong." "...I read the thread."
King Auel called a meeting with the officers and nobles of Imperia. A total of twelve were assembled at the meeting. After explaining the situation, a vote was held to allow Harau to join, or to start a war. 6 voted war, 5 voted against war, 1 abstained.
Oh fuck. I'd like to remind you that I described her as quite fappable, with the cutest ass ever in this thread.
Unbeknownst to the fellow council members, Auel had made an alternate account a noble to gain a second vote and add justification to the war, knowing that there was a high chance of war going through. If this was not done, the vote would have been a draw and war would have likely not occurred.
"...Which thread?" I asked, hoping that, by some stroke of luck, it was a different thread. She replied, "...The one about me."
Auel sought to increase Imperia's power and influence through a war. He reasoned that it would bolster recruitment and expand Imperia to unprecedented heights if the war was won. With the Bacseyians being exiled nobles and the Imperians being highly trained soldiers, it seemed likely that Imperia would triumph.
OH FUCKING FUCK. FUCK YOU /B/ AND YOUR FUCKING COPYPASTA ARRGGH HOW THE FUCK DID SHE READ THAT FUCK MY LIFE'S OVER FUCK FUCK
Harau formed the Bacseyian Confederation to destroy Imperia.
She followed up, "...Do you really think my butt's cute?"
==Conflict==
Oh god. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I just inadvertantly revealed that I was a pedo. Oh god, she's going to tell her mom, and she's going to tell my mom, and she's going to tell the rest of the family. I tried to get out of it.
Contemporary wars are fought in one large battle that lasts for hours. The first battles were minutes in length. They involved Bacseyian cavalry squads ambushing and killing Imperian officers and noblemen.
"Oh, that? Nah, that was just me being a /b/tard," I said. I suck at lying, so it must have been blatantly obvious to her. "...So, you--" she began to say, as I suddenly decided that I was screwed either way and decided to be truthful. "Wait. Disregard that, I suck cocks. I do." (That's a direct quote, there. I was surprised I said that.) "...You do?" "Yeah. Cutest ever. Don't tell anyone, please. I don't think you know, but I could get in SERIOUS trouble just for admitting that." "I know, I know..."
A string of Imperian losses caused a loss in morale and desertion, especially from the 5 council members who voted in favor of peace. Anyone who had a problem with Imperian structure left for the Confederacy.
And now we were just kind of awkwardly looking at the floor. I was expecting her to hit me or yell at me or something any minute. "...Want to play Monkey Ball?" she asked. "Uh, sure," I answered.
The Battle of Belle Island was the first real "battle" of the war. An Imperian squad engaged Bacseyians. Both sides called for reinforcements. After Bacseyians ran out of troops and left, Imperians claimed victory, establishing the tradition of "Last Man Standing Battles" to settle wars. A lack of diplomacy between the sides resulted in a war of attrition.
What the hell? She just blows it off like that? Oh my god, did I just manage to get out of this? Wait. Is she planning something? Is she trying to get me to think that she just disregarded it so I'll be shocked later when she tells? DAMNIT, WHAT IS GOING ON? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had this exact situation playing out in doujin form, ending in sex. (As all good doujins do.)
Skirmishes continued, especially outside the city where Bacseyians would ambush Imperians and flee. More large scale battles escalated from skirmishes where one party would call for reinforcements.
She took off toward the room with the Gamecube, and I took note of the fact that she wasn't gloomily walking around anymore. I think I even saw her smile. Was she HAPPY about this? Did she take it as a compliment? ...Maybe I will get to stick it in her pooper. This is so fucking confusing. I hate women.
==Espionage and Desertion==
I followed her into the room.
Zaer, one of the core members of Imperia deserted for the Confederation and was made the Viceroy, second only to Harau himself.
Spies were employed by both sides extensively. During battle, troops would turn on each other, causing complete chaos and a lack of trust. Spies would result in a lack of recruitment to prevent more leaks from infiltrating.
She already had the top open on the GC and was searching around for the SMB2 case when I got in there. I pointed her to it and dug out the second controller as she put the game on. Maybe this would turn out fine after all. Maybe she just wanted to beat my ass at monkey dogfight again to get off the subject. Either way, she was ready to play, and I wasn't about to give her a reason to tell someone about what I said.
Due to the high number of spies, certain measures were taken within Imperia to prevent information leaks. Firstly, no vital information would be leaked in guild chat, and all information of importance would be told in meetings or private conversations. Secondly, unless proven otherwise, every and all members of Imperia were considered potential traitors. Finally, all members of Imperia that turned rogue were considered permanently banned from Imperia. Some of these measures would be eased or completely scratched as the war was waged.
We started out playing the party games and eventually moved on to competing for the best times on the stages. We didn't say much to eachother, aside from the usual "BOOM!"-type in-game talk. ...I think I said, "SURPRISE, COCKFAGS!" accidentally once. She got bored with it after awhile and turned and looked at me. Oh hell, I thought, here comes more awkwardness.
The high rate of spies earned the war the name "War of Paranoia" due to the fear of spies.
As seemed to be the trend for this day, she did the opposite of what I was thinking. "Any other good games? I can't believe I've been here all week without playing them," she said. "Well, the game shelf's over there, go see if there're any you like." "Sure," and she hopped over to the shelf I pointed her to. ...I guess she really did just disregard it. Then why was she acting so nervous before? She's not really that self-conscious, why would she even care if she wasn't mad? Gah.
==Imperian Campaign No. 2 & The End of The War==
It was around this point that I realized that I've put more attention towards her than I've ever put towards any girl I've ever dated.
After two months of conflict, there was no end in sight for the War of Paranoia. Imperia was losing members to the Confederacy, and it seemed that it might lose.
King Auel and General Kentiman of the Royal Army devised a way to win the war. Several facts were accepted:
I tried to get hard but the fakeness and copy pasta kept it firmly to the floor
* The confederacy must be crippled to the point that it could never fight Imperia again, to do this, Harau Bacsey must be made incapable of ever leading something as large as the Confederacy again.
* A way to effectively deal with spies and espionage must be dealt with that will not cause further panic.
* Traitors must be re-assimilated into Imperia.
* Five military campaigns were devised by a council of officers. The only one selected was Imperial Campaign No. 2.
==Imperian Campaign No. 2==
"How about Mario Sunshine?" she asked. "Sure. It's one-player, though." "We'll take turns." I loaded up a new game. "I don't know how Peach stands all that pink," she commented, watching the cutscene.
Imperial Campaign No. 2 formed the Union to oppose the Bacseyian Confederacy. Made up of friendly guilds and ex-alliance guilds, the Union was created with the sole purpose of intimidating Harau into submission.
"Pink's not that bad," I said, realizing that I liked pink more than the eleven-year-old girl next to me. She looked at me oddly. Finally, the cutscenes ended, so I handed her the controller and said,
IC02 also sought to cause Harau's lieutenants to defect, destroying his trust in his officers, making him unable to trust officers in the future and destroying his ability to lead a large guild. This was accomplished by Auel convincing Viceroy Zaer to repent for his sin of betraying his friends in Imperia.
"You go first." We played a few levels, I died once being an idiot. Then, while I was playing, she looked at me. I was expecting her to say something, so I just kept playing.
IC02 also called for "zero-fear" policy. Spies were no longer kicked out, but anyone who accused someone else of being a spy was. All information was either public and known to all, or kept absolutely secret among the top ranks or never released at all. Espionage was made ineffective.
She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS SHE KISSING ME WHY DID SHE HAVE TO DO IT AT A POINT WHERE I HAD TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE GAME FGSFDS
The Campaign culminated with Zaer calling Harau to a house alone. While Harau was AFK with Zaer, 30 Union troops flooded the room and surrounded Harau. Zaer publicly betrayed Harau, while surrounded by 30 men mocking him.
Needless to say, I was pretty stunned. The loli doujin in the back of my mind was getting farther and farther in the front. "...Uh?" I asked. "I thought you'd like that," she replied, smiling. Since when do women kiss you because they think you'd like it? What the hell is going on? "...Uh. ...Okay," I replied. Not knowing what to do, I unpaused the game and started playing again. She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Okay, since you don't get the point, I'll just say it: I like you. I've liked you since we met, but I never brought it up 'cause we're cousins, and that'd be weird. But when I found out you liked me, too..."
Feeling completely hopeless, losing his right hand man and surrounded by 30 men, Harau said on guild chat "Auel is unstoppable, there's no hope," and disappeared for several months.
The only two things that were on my mind were the loli doujin in my head and how much I was going to flaunt this on /b/ later.
IC02 was successful. It destroyed the confederacy and made Harau incapable of leading ever again. However, the war had come at great cost to Imperia: even though their enemy was defeated, Imperia was on the verge of collapse from members weary of war.
"So, you get the point now?" she asked. "Uh, sorta," I replied. "Now, I know it'll be really weird if we do anything... but I guess kissing is okay." HEAVEN BELLS RINGING "Alright," I said, quickly becoming more comfortable with this. Then we kissed. It wasn't a movie-style, "slowly move your faces together" kiss, she just charged right in there.
== Consequences of the War ==
And it was fucking awesome. I believe the phrase going through my head was "LUSCIOUS LOVELY LITTLE LOLI LIPS."
The War of Paranoia left marks on the military community that are still present even today.
* Most campaigns regarding Imperia and other military guilds would now involve incapacitating the enemy guild leader in a traumatizing and humiliating way.
Of course, as it always does, my conscience jumped in to ruin the fun. All those damn morality lines ran through my head one by one. "THIS IS DIGUSTING, YOU PEDOPHILE," "THIS IS DISGUSTING, YOU INCESTUOUS FREAK," "THIS IS DISGUSTING, YOU INCESTUOUS PEDOPHILE FREAK," the works. Her lips eventually won over and my conscience shut up. The kiss was getting more passionate.
* War would be continued to be fought the same way as in the First War.
* Information would be confidential or available to all.
Then the phone rang.
* The Bacseyians would be forever considered enemies of Imperia, and they are still feared by certain State members that are aware of the threat of another large war of this scale.
* The High Officers of Imperia would grow fearful of war and consider it a last resort, while the Imperian Commanders would keep their pro-war views. This would eventually cause tensions between the Imperian Commanders and Auel.
MOTHERFUCKER. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, FUCK OFF. I'M KISSING A LOLI.
* Militaries would start focusing more on amassing large numbers of soldiers and less on training soldiers so as to minimize losses in case of another war.
* Harau's humiliating defeat would eventually lead him to try and destroy the State later on. Click [[The Second War of Paranoia|here]] to find out more.
I was very hesitant to stop the kiss and answer the phone, but I eventually decided that whoever it is is probably calling for a reason and not picking up will just bring them home faster. Wouldn't that be a hit with the family.
[[Category:Conflicts]]
[[Category:Imperia]]
I said "...gdneamnfdjkl, sorry," or something, and walked over to the phone. "Hello?" I said, picking it up. It was my mom. She sounded a bit frightened. She said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "FRESH", and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it; yo home, to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabbie, "Yo holmes, smell ya later!"; looked at my kingdom--I was finally there--to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.
[[Category:Events]]
[[Category:Bacsey]]
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Anyway, she said that her sister wanted to speak to her daughter. I called the daughter in question over and handed her the phone, then went back over to the couch that we were almost making out on. Sigh. She was talking about something I wasn't paying attention to with her mom while I was thinking of a way to avoid awkwardness when the call was over. (And, if I'm lucky, get back into the kissing.) "Uh..." she started, after she got off the phone.
"That was my mom. She said the store's closed," she said. "Did it have AIDS?" I asked. She chuckled and said, "No, it's not open on weekends. ...So, they're coming back." "...Okay," I said, hesitantly. "So, back to Mario Sunshine, I guess," I added, unpausing the game. I later confirmed that she wasn't going to tell anyone what happened.
And nothing of interest really happened after that. I did a little "Pool's closed," skit at the pool later, which got a few laughs from her and odd looks from everyone else, but she was more interested in the friends she'd just made than me. She and her mom left on a plane shortly after we were done swimming, and she told me that she'd beg her mom to come back. After she left, I realized that I should've gotten her MSN or something. Sigh.
And now, a word of thanks to /b/: You guys rule. I may not have gotten loli lovin', but I did get to kiss her, and that will be remembered/cherished/fapped to forever, and that's all thanks to you and your copypasta. Plus, now we have something in common. God, it's nice to finally be able to say all those memes that pop up in my head while I'm talking. It would help if she wasn't three states away.
Yes, she did use her mom's laptop to read the post. Baaad girl, browsing /b/ like that. Hope she cleared the history.
And I typed this up earlier, so it technically is already copypasta.
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